there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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