That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
as a side note pls kill me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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