alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
