sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
