Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I love you.
Bad choice
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
