we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
