My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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