It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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