Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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