remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
