I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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