that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize