I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
