also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
