woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she peed on how many people?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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