this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
