WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
