She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
