I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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