More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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