I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
