I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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