I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
