ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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