alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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