my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
