There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
