my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There's even glitter on my cock...
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