omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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