i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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