She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize