she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
