The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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