I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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