I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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