I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My ass is underappreciated
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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