I can't breathe out the right side of my face
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize