oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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