I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
