I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
