You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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