i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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