And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
