I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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