Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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