I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
did you just send me my own nude
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
