you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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