Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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