i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
