do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
